Social Media and Anxiety: What Karen Horney’s “Tyranny of the Shoulds” Can Teach Us Today.

Ever since Al Gore invented the internet and Mark Zuckerberg created a way to connect everyone’s social life on the internet, the level of anxiety within the populace has steadily increased. We have lived with social media for over 20 years. Beginning with the launch of MySpace in 2003, and the next year, Facebook. Since then, we have been inundated with social media platforms all designed to connect people to one another. In many ways social media has become little more than a way to show off, glamorize life in drastically unrealistic ways and almost as disturbing, air the drama of everyday life.

Dr. Jonathon Haidt has produced two fantastic works The Coddling of the American Mind and The Anxious Generation, that look closer at this phenomenon, and more specifically it’s impact on America’s youth. His focus on the impact of social media on our youth, and the ease modern technology creates to indulge in social media. The symbiotic relationship that exists is one that cannot be ignored. But what causes us to become so enamored with social media? The average American spends as much as 2.5 hours per day on social media. One study reported that 60% of Gen Z users were on social media as much 4 hours per day, and almost 25% as much as 7 hours per day.

Most people spend their time connecting with and communicating with friends. The second most common use of social media is the consumption of news and information, followed by entertainment. No one would argue it’s nice to stay in touch with distant family and friends. Sharing pictures of life and how we’re doing with those close to us is a nice way to stay connected. But, it’s a passive, non-committed form of communication that does little to build or maintain the bonds of relationships. People need people. Scrolling through posts and pictures of people’s lives is not bonding nor is it developing bonds anywhere similar to a phone call, a lunch date or getting together. Social media does not provide the emotional depth necessary to build or sustain a relationship.

What it does do is trap us in the tyranny of the should by creating increased opportunity for social comparison. German psychoanalyst Karen Horney developed the concept of the tyranny of the should. She advanced the idea that “shoulds” divide us against ourselves by creating two different ideals, or selfs; the self we think we “should” be and the self we are. When we are not who we think we should be we are often in turmoil with ourselves. This inner conflict is evident through anxiety to become the should, rather than discovering who we are. This inner conflict often manifests itself through negative inner dialogue and other cognitive distortions.

Almost as damaging as the harm we do to ourselves through negative inner dialogue, “shoulds” also put, often silent, demands on others. They should do this or that. They should speak to me in this way or that. They should think the same as I do. “Shoulds” not only set us up for failure, they set others up for failure as well. When we set others up for failure because they don’t live up to our should, our relationships are disrupted, and this leads to further frustration and anger and a general unhappiness with life. We make our own anxiety from trying to be what we are not, from trying to live up to a should.

The list of “should” we are faced with through social media is almost limitless and it varies from person to person. Guys love to post pictures of their big catch, and other guys think, I should be catching fish like that. He catches those fish because he has that cool boat, I should get a boat like that so I can catch fish like that. I should have a nice truck like they do, I work hard, I deserve it. I should have a designer handbag like she does, I take care of my family, I deserve it. I should have as many followers as she does, I am just as beautiful. My posts should get as many likes, my travels are just as unique as theirs. And the list could go on and on. In reality the only person we should be comparing ourselves to is ourselves.

When you get trapped in negative thought cycles, as a result of a should there are some easy steps you can take to get out of the cycle.

Is the should a true statement, or just a thought? There is a difference between “I should clean my room.” And, “I should get as many likes as her.”

Change the way you say something. Instead of saying “I should catch fish as big as his.” Try, “I would like to catch fish as big as his.” The first creates something we are required to do, a command on us that anything less is not acceptable. The second is an expression of a desire, something we can make a goal for ourselves.

Ask yourself what was the source of the should? Was it someone who wants what’s in your best interest? Was it from a source of your choosing with the intent to help you grow and become a better person? Or, was it the result of an unnecessary comparison? Were you idealizing something or someone you saw on social media? Source and intent are important. There is a difference in a parent telling a child “You should clean your room.” And, “I should have a room like theirs.”

Reframe the should if it is something you would like to attain. “They catch all those big fish because they have that nice boat.” This can become, I want to start working and saving for a nice boat so I have more opportunities to catch big fish.” Reframing allows you to be in charge of your life and your future. If you want the boat, you can put in place the steps to make your goal a reality.

Ask yourself if believing those “should” are making you happy? “I should get as many like as her. I am just as pretty.” Is it making you happy to talk to yourself that way? Does that thought create positive thoughts and actions in your life? If not, ask yourself why it’s so important to you that you achieve or have that should?

Williams James once said, “the greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another.” We have the capacity to control the thoughts that occupy our mind. Our internal dialogue is up to us. It can be freeing and empowering, thoughts and ideas that move us forward as individuals or it can trap us, hold us back and be our greatest source of anxiety and frustration. Where do your thoughts come from? When you spend your 2.5 hours on social media are you improving yourself? Are you creating positive thoughts or planting the seed for negativity? How long would it take to finish a good book if you spent 2.5 hours a day reading? How long would it take to learn a new language if you studied for 2.5 hours a day? What if you used some of that time to exercise? How would you invest in yourself for 2.5 hours a day?

W. Williams, MBA, MS, ALC

Be Who You Choose To Be, Not Who Others Say You Should Be.

We are all familiar with the saying, “taking the path of least resistance.” Sometimes following the easy route can be the best option, there is no need to reinvent the wheel. But does taking the path of least resistance promote the best mental health outcome? When the objective is to discover who we are and what our purpose is, is taking the path of least resistance going to get us where we want to be? Discovering who we are is entirely different from using a mixer instead of a spatula to blend cookie ingredients. I will take a power tool over a hand tool any time I can, but is easier better when we are discovering who we are?

Dr. Jordan Peterson advocates the complete opposite, “Make yourself suffer in order to grow.” It’s hard to grow if you’re sitting still and not experiencing something new. Likewise, it’s hard to grow if you’re taking the easy route and not challenging yourself. Most people fear new; new often means anxiety and most people move away from anxiety. If Dr. Peterson is right, we need to embrace anxiety and ride it out and learn from the experience. No one would advocate you embrace harmful anxiety. But anxiety from going back to school is not bad anxiety, starting a new career, a move that offers new opportunities, marriage and kids are all examples of good anxiety. Anxiety from thinking for yourself, even if it’s contrary to popular culture, is good anxiety.

When we embrace anxiety, we are also embracing our own freedom, the freedom to choose for ourselves, to grow and determine our own path. “Freedom is man’s capacity to take a hand in his own development. It is our capacity to mould oneself,” Rollo May. A key tenant of Existentialism is the understanding that freedom equals responsibility. You are responsible for your life, your choices and your future. It is your responsibility to take charge of your life, to embrace the unknown, the anxiety of the unknown and discover who you are. Soren Kierkegaard states “to venture in the highest sense is precisely to become conscious of oneself.”

A recent study of psychological well-being demonstrated that those with a higher degree of identity commitment had better long-term psychological well-being. Identity commitment is little more than finding out who you are and what you believe. While this may sound easy, in today’s world of social media influencers, an almost continuous news cycle, and the capacity to go online at any time and find all the information necessary to sustain your confirmation bias, it can be difficult to discover yourself. This is exactly why we must pursue our freedom, embrace our anxiety and push ahead despite a little suffering.

A strong identity commitment provides several benefits. First, we gain a sense of continuity and stability in the face of challenges. Life is easier when our feet are firmly planted in a solid foundation. This in turn produces a strong sense of self and greatly aids in finding your direction in life. Second, knowing who you are and what you believe promotes positive psychological adjustment, helping to promote a healthy sense of self-esteem and self-worth. Lastly, positive identity commitment promotes healthy social integration and positive relationships due to feeling more secure in who you are. When we know who we are, what we believe, when we are firmly planted, we experience less stress from challenging opinions, confrontations due to differences, new ideas or information and when meeting new people.

Identity commitment, finding yourself in today’s world can be challenging. Taking a position that’s contrary to the popular trend takes strength of character, determination and a commitment to your own health. Anyone can agree with popular opinions, take the path of least resistance, but the strong, and focused choose who they are and what they believe. “The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.”  Friedrich Nietzsche

W. Williams, MBA, MS, ALC

Courageous or Rebellious: They are not the same

                A famous quote by one of America’s most famous cowboys, John Wayne, “Courage is being afraid, but saddling up anyway,” goes a long way defining what courage means. The language we use matters, it creates meaning, describes actions and intent, and most importantly, we identify with the words we use. Sometimes we get so used to hearing something it loses its value; it stops having any real meaning. Today there are a lot of words that have lost their value due to being used indiscriminately. Not everyone is a hero. Not everyone is a winner and it’s ok to tell them they didn’t win.

                We must get back to the idea that to compete means we risk losing. In life, discovering who you are and being yourself is a competition against a variety of forces. The anxiety produced from a life lived competitively forms, molds and develops character. It is change and growth that produce resilience. To be mentally healthy over a lifetime, through challenges and struggle requires mental resilience. Our ability to adapt, our degree of resilience is not something that just happens, it must be developed, and it’s only developed through challenge, adversity, by courageously facing anxiety as an agent of change.

The media is great at telling you what you should be and how you should think, otherwise you are the scourge of society. Social media takes it one step further by telling you who you should be, how you should look, and how you should act. In the lead up to the 2020 election, even former president Joe Biden attempted to not only tell people what to think but how they should identify when he so famously stated  “if you have a problem figuring out whether you’re for me or Trump, then you ain’t black.” For those who dare go against the narrative of popular culture there is hell to pay. Social exile, being cancelled, harassment, unending criticism, and if you are a teenager, being the school outcast, are just a few of the ways you can lose. Fear of social chastisement and criticism often keeps people quiet, conforming to a narrative they may not necessarily agree with. When this happens, fear wins and grows. Dr. Veronica Powell states, “fear driven narratives are designed to provoke reactions, rather than thoughtful responses. They thrive on division, misunderstanding and a lack of empathy.”

                Bucking the narrative just because you choose not to conform is rebellion. Bucking the narrative because you are in search of your own answers or your foundation is in opposition to the narrative is courage. Anyone can rebel, that’s easy. There are whole groups of people who claim they are rebelling, but they are doing little more than conforming to someone else's standards. They still fit within some group, adopting the group identity, and group think, and losing themselves in the process. They give in to fear. It’s an easy way out, thoughtless and conformist. Courage is hard, it requires thought and discipline. It means standing for something and understanding what you are standing for is of value.  Courage is required for mindful deliberation; it is intentional risk. Courage is a prerequisite to freedom.

                You can choose to live your life, your values, your goals and your dreams, or you can fall into line with the narrative of popular culture. Freedom is not easy. It requires being responsible for your choices, for the consequences of those choices, good or bad. Freedom means not accepting life as a victim, not looking for others to blame for hard times or difficulties. It means despite challenges and struggles you are willing to find what you need to keep pushing forward and overcome. It is a life lived, a life as the driver and not the passenger. It is life lived with courage.

Or you can choose to let total strangers tell you what to think, what to believe in, what your goals and dreams should be. That’s definitely easier than thinking for yourself, than putting in the work to learn who you are, than discovering your purpose in life. You can adopt other people’s causes because it sounds good. You can tell yourself you believe in it, but why do you believe in it? Is it easier to accept their definitions, their explanations, their justification.  This life is not a courageous life, it is life in rebellion to yourself, the easy way out. It doesn’t require the courage to find out who you are, what you believe and why. Rebellious acts, more often than not, lead to negative outcomes and conflict. Rebellion disregards consequences for actions because the rebellious feel their rebellion justifies their actions. As Dr. Jordan Peterson so eloquently states “No one gets away with anything, ever, so take responsibility for your actions.”

Be courageous, the actions you are responsible for should be your own, of your own choosing, an exercise of your freedom and something you are willing to accept responsibility for. Courage is frequently associated with resilience and a greater sense of personal competence. Within clinical psychology, courage is identified as a contributing factor in healing and growth as well as an increased likelihood to take a risk, to experience something new. Those with higher levels of courage are also associated with greater empathy and a greater sense of humor. It’s easier to engage with life and others who are different than you, or think, or act differently from you when you are confident and sure of who you are.

W. Williams, MBA, MS, ALC

To Be or Not To Be, Stupid

Most of us were told as kids not to call people stupid. We were told it’s not a nice word, it’s mean, and we shouldn’t use it. Most of us called someone stupid, more than once, or even if you were too good to say it, you thought it. The reasons we called someone stupid or said something was stupid varied from person to person. But, as stupid goes, are there any universals we can all agree on that are stupid? As an example, Georgia Congressman Hank Johnson, a member of the House Armed Services Committee, responded to Admiral Robert Willard’s, then head of the US. Pacific Fleet, plan to increase the number of Marines stationed on Guam with the following “My fear is that the whole island will become so overly populated that it will tip over and capsize.” The admiral was gracious and professional enough not to laugh and responded by saying, “we don’t anticipate that.” Some might argue Congressman Johnson simply suffers from what is known as the Dunning-Kruger effect, and that he’s not really stupid. While there may be some legitimacy to that argument, a discussion of the Dunning-Kruger effect is better suited for a different paper.

Most of us have encountered someone like Congressman Johnson. What is bewildering is that even after this declaration of fear that an island could flip over, his constituency re-elected him to represent them. This brings us the first universal truth of stupid, 1) Everyone always underestimates the number of stupid individuals in circulation. This truth as well as the four remaining truths are the work of Dr. Carlo Cipallo and his groundbreaking work, The Basic Laws of Human Stupidity. How is it that the number of stupid people could be so easily underestimated? Continuing with Congressman Johnson as our example, each congressional district represents around 750,000 people. It is difficult to imagine being surrounded by that many stupid people. It’s equally difficult to imagine someone so stupid, being re-elected and retaining his position as a member of the House Armed Services Committee.

Thanks to the wonders of modern technology and the internet, we have been exposed to more and more stupid people. But, in a similar way to maintaining relationships through social media, there is a degree of disconnect from stupid people. They are somewhere else, they can’t affect me, until they do. We see, hear and accept stupidity at an alarming rate because, thanks to YouTube and other social media channels, we have been desensitized to it. Admittedly, a skateboarder crashing while trying to grind a stair rail or almost any other object is funny. But there is a difference between funny and stupid. No matter how many times someone sees a skateboarder crushing the family jewels on a rail or other fixed structure it will elicit a laugh. But, that’s not stupid in the sense we are discussing. At worst it’s underestimating the difficulty or overestimating the skaters skill, but they tried and despite their crash, they made an effort.

Truth 2) The probability that someone is stupid is independent of any other characteristic of that person. Dressing like a skater doesn’t make them stupid and isn’t the reason they fail when trying to grind a rail. We are quick to assign stupidity to external factors we don’t like, appreciate or agree with. A girl walking through Walmart with a cat tail sticking through the back of her pants may, at first glance elicit thoughts of stupidity, but it is not how you identify her or anyone as truly stupid. You can’t blame the environment, social influences or other external factors for someone’s stupidity. Stupidity comes from the inside and is the result of the person’s choices. No one, and nothing is to blame for choosing to be stupid. Additionally, remembering the first truth, there is nowhere to go, nowhere to hide, no social class or occupation that allows you to avoid stupid people, they’re everywhere.

Because stupidity is something internal it is important to take a moment and grossly define the 4 categories of people. These are rather gross generalizations and by no means a replacement for more scientific assessments of personality traits or characteristics. However, the 3rd law of human stupidity loosely arranges people into the following 4 categories.

1)      The Helpless – the person whose actions produce a loss for himself but a gain for someone else.

2)      The Bandit – the person whose actions produce a gain for themselves, but a loss for someone else.

3)      The Intelligent – the person whose actions produce a gain for themselves as well as others.

4)      The Stupid – the person who causes a loss for a person or a group, while not incurring a gain for themselves and more likely a loss for themselves.

These are not fixed types. Apart from the stupid, who is always stupid, most people will experience moments of helpless, bandit and intelligent categories. Those within any particular category are not solidly in the middle of the category. Some acts by the helpless can be the result of a need, or at their request for help. Not all acts by a bandit are equal in gravity. Some acts of a bandit, while still selfish and self-serving are understandable in certain situations. A hungry person stealing food from a grocery store is still wrong but most reasonable people can understand the reason why. Taking advantage of the sad and lonely through online dating scams, to drain their bank account, is deplorable and inexcusable.

The Helpless and the Bandit can exhibit more or less stupidity depending on the circumstance or action. Letting or even worse, asking, others to do for you what you can and should do for yourself moves the bar much closer to the Stupid block. You can’t grow, succeed or do any good for yourself, letting others do everything for you. Those who choose to do everything for you or prevent you from doing and learning for any number of reasons, usually only they can justify, makes them a bandit. Asking for help from someone who knows how to do something you don’t and taking the time to learn how, while they are doing the act for you, may not benefit you, but it doesn’t rob you, it makes you smarter, thereby moving the bar closer to the Intelligent block.

The 4th law of Human Stupidity states “Non-stupid people always underestimate the damaging power of stupid individuals. In particular non-stupid people constantly forget that at all times and under any circumstance to deal and/or associate with stupid people infallibly turns out to be a costly mistake.” To drive this point home, Mark Twain is famous for the following “Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.” Almost anyone who has spent time on a social media platform has witnessed the ridiculous and often stupid rants and attacks by stupid people. For almost any number of reasons an “internet warrior” will feel the compulsion to share their unwarranted advice, chastisement or ridicule with others. There is typically no discussion with these legends of the keyboard, just a host of statements, conclusions, accusations and garbage that serves no benefit to anyone.

The Coddling of the American Mind and The Anxious Generation, two books by Dr. Jonathon Haidt do a fantastic job pointing to much of the aforementioned problem as well as the consequences. In the last 10 years alone there has been a 60% increase in suicidal ideations among teenage girls and a 30% increase in attempts. There are many reasons for this but the influence of social media and the ease at which it enables the stupid to go after people cannot be ignored. Numerous studies have pointed to the influence of social media on the lives and thoughts of adolescents and teens. Whatever you think of the internet and social media, there is no argument that it has become a weapon and tool for the stupid. This is not to say the internet and social media is all bad, but the ability of the stupid to reach out and touch others has been greatly enhanced through these mediums.

This brings us to the 5th and final truth, “A stupid person is the most dangerous type of person.”  A stupid person is only limited in the damage they can do by two factors:

1)      Their innate stupidity – The more stupid someone is the more damage they can cause

2)      The amount of power and social influence they possess.

Looking at social media influencers, the average length of time they wield influence is 2 to 4 years. It takes time to develop a following large enough to be considered an influencer. It is a lot of work developing a platform and generating a significant following. As with most people developing a business, or brand, no one wants to see it end. For the influencer they have to work harder and harder to stay relevant, changing platforms, pivoting on positions, and often times embracing topics and trends they may or may not necessarily agree with in order to maintain their following, and hence their income and power.

              The harm in social media and the stupidity it can spread is not restricted to the consumers. Social media influencers and those attempting to become an influencer often exhibit more narcissism than the average person. However, that is rapidly changing. Contemporary research indicates there has been a steady increase in narcissism over the last few decades. Narcissism is more common now than it has ever been in past. Despite the image a narcissist tries to convey, a narcissist is usually, as Dr. Nigel Barber states “fragile, so increasing narcissism helps explain why young people suffer from unprecedented levels of anxiety, depression, loneliness, and suicidal thinking.” These are not the people others should be listening to, let alone influencing our decisions.

              Is there any way to avoid being stupid? For some, stupid is almost genetic, they are born from stupid parents and into stupid families. They are doomed from the minute they take their first breath. For others it is a learned, developed and practiced behavior that took time to condition themselves to. So how does one avoid this pitfall? As Socrates said, “know thyself.” When you know who you are you are aware of your motivations, if an action or behavior helps you or hurts you. You have the capacity to consider the good or bad your behavior or actions have on others. You have the freedom to choose what you will do. It is a very unpopular proposition, but individuals are responsible for their own behavior. Even less popular is that people are also responsible for the consequences of those actions.

              Taking the time to learn who you are, to “know thyself” provides a foundation from which your decisions are made. You establish a moral and ethical foundation from which you compare and contrast new ideas, experiences and information that you then can use to make new decisions. Thereby being a responsible person who exercises their most true freedom, the ability to choose their response in any given situation. If you repeatedly find yourself in the same situations over and over again, are you certain of who you are? Do you understand yourself well enough to make new choices? Have you truly evaluated your motivation? It has long been said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. If your life doesn’t reflect the results you are after it may be time to look at yourself and figure out if you are doing the same things over and over again.