Social Media and Anxiety: What Karen Horney’s “Tyranny of the Shoulds” Can Teach Us Today.
Ever since Al Gore invented the internet and Mark Zuckerberg created a way to connect everyone’s social life on the internet, the level of anxiety within the populace has steadily increased. We have lived with social media for over 20 years. Beginning with the launch of MySpace in 2003, and the next year, Facebook. Since then, we have been inundated with social media platforms all designed to connect people to one another. In many ways social media has become little more than a way to show off, glamorize life in drastically unrealistic ways and almost as disturbing, air the drama of everyday life.
Dr. Jonathon Haidt has produced two fantastic works The Coddling of the American Mind and The Anxious Generation, that look closer at this phenomenon, and more specifically it’s impact on America’s youth. His focus on the impact of social media on our youth, and the ease modern technology creates to indulge in social media. The symbiotic relationship that exists is one that cannot be ignored. But what causes us to become so enamored with social media? The average American spends as much as 2.5 hours per day on social media. One study reported that 60% of Gen Z users were on social media as much 4 hours per day, and almost 25% as much as 7 hours per day.
Most people spend their time connecting with and communicating with friends. The second most common use of social media is the consumption of news and information, followed by entertainment. No one would argue it’s nice to stay in touch with distant family and friends. Sharing pictures of life and how we’re doing with those close to us is a nice way to stay connected. But, it’s a passive, non-committed form of communication that does little to build or maintain the bonds of relationships. People need people. Scrolling through posts and pictures of people’s lives is not bonding nor is it developing bonds anywhere similar to a phone call, a lunch date or getting together. Social media does not provide the emotional depth necessary to build or sustain a relationship.
What it does do is trap us in the tyranny of the should by creating increased opportunity for social comparison. German psychoanalyst Karen Horney developed the concept of the tyranny of the should. She advanced the idea that “shoulds” divide us against ourselves by creating two different ideals, or selfs; the self we think we “should” be and the self we are. When we are not who we think we should be we are often in turmoil with ourselves. This inner conflict is evident through anxiety to become the should, rather than discovering who we are. This inner conflict often manifests itself through negative inner dialogue and other cognitive distortions.
Almost as damaging as the harm we do to ourselves through negative inner dialogue, “shoulds” also put, often silent, demands on others. They should do this or that. They should speak to me in this way or that. They should think the same as I do. “Shoulds” not only set us up for failure, they set others up for failure as well. When we set others up for failure because they don’t live up to our should, our relationships are disrupted, and this leads to further frustration and anger and a general unhappiness with life. We make our own anxiety from trying to be what we are not, from trying to live up to a should.
The list of “should” we are faced with through social media is almost limitless and it varies from person to person. Guys love to post pictures of their big catch, and other guys think, I should be catching fish like that. He catches those fish because he has that cool boat, I should get a boat like that so I can catch fish like that. I should have a nice truck like they do, I work hard, I deserve it. I should have a designer handbag like she does, I take care of my family, I deserve it. I should have as many followers as she does, I am just as beautiful. My posts should get as many likes, my travels are just as unique as theirs. And the list could go on and on. In reality the only person we should be comparing ourselves to is ourselves.
When you get trapped in negative thought cycles, as a result of a should there are some easy steps you can take to get out of the cycle.
Is the should a true statement, or just a thought? There is a difference between “I should clean my room.” And, “I should get as many likes as her.”
Change the way you say something. Instead of saying “I should catch fish as big as his.” Try, “I would like to catch fish as big as his.” The first creates something we are required to do, a command on us that anything less is not acceptable. The second is an expression of a desire, something we can make a goal for ourselves.
Ask yourself what was the source of the should? Was it someone who wants what’s in your best interest? Was it from a source of your choosing with the intent to help you grow and become a better person? Or, was it the result of an unnecessary comparison? Were you idealizing something or someone you saw on social media? Source and intent are important. There is a difference in a parent telling a child “You should clean your room.” And, “I should have a room like theirs.”
Reframe the should if it is something you would like to attain. “They catch all those big fish because they have that nice boat.” This can become, I want to start working and saving for a nice boat so I have more opportunities to catch big fish.” Reframing allows you to be in charge of your life and your future. If you want the boat, you can put in place the steps to make your goal a reality.
Ask yourself if believing those “should” are making you happy? “I should get as many like as her. I am just as pretty.” Is it making you happy to talk to yourself that way? Does that thought create positive thoughts and actions in your life? If not, ask yourself why it’s so important to you that you achieve or have that should?
Williams James once said, “the greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another.” We have the capacity to control the thoughts that occupy our mind. Our internal dialogue is up to us. It can be freeing and empowering, thoughts and ideas that move us forward as individuals or it can trap us, hold us back and be our greatest source of anxiety and frustration. Where do your thoughts come from? When you spend your 2.5 hours on social media are you improving yourself? Are you creating positive thoughts or planting the seed for negativity? How long would it take to finish a good book if you spent 2.5 hours a day reading? How long would it take to learn a new language if you studied for 2.5 hours a day? What if you used some of that time to exercise? How would you invest in yourself for 2.5 hours a day?
W. Williams, MBA, MS, ALC
Be Who You Choose To Be, Not Who Others Say You Should Be.
We are all familiar with the saying, “taking the path of least resistance.” Sometimes following the easy route can be the best option, there is no need to reinvent the wheel. But does taking the path of least resistance promote the best mental health outcome? When the objective is to discover who we are and what our purpose is, is taking the path of least resistance going to get us where we want to be? Discovering who we are is entirely different from using a mixer instead of a spatula to blend cookie ingredients. I will take a power tool over a hand tool any time I can, but is easier better when we are discovering who we are?
Dr. Jordan Peterson advocates the complete opposite, “Make yourself suffer in order to grow.” It’s hard to grow if you’re sitting still and not experiencing something new. Likewise, it’s hard to grow if you’re taking the easy route and not challenging yourself. Most people fear new; new often means anxiety and most people move away from anxiety. If Dr. Peterson is right, we need to embrace anxiety and ride it out and learn from the experience. No one would advocate you embrace harmful anxiety. But anxiety from going back to school is not bad anxiety, starting a new career, a move that offers new opportunities, marriage and kids are all examples of good anxiety. Anxiety from thinking for yourself, even if it’s contrary to popular culture, is good anxiety.
When we embrace anxiety, we are also embracing our own freedom, the freedom to choose for ourselves, to grow and determine our own path. “Freedom is man’s capacity to take a hand in his own development. It is our capacity to mould oneself,” Rollo May. A key tenant of Existentialism is the understanding that freedom equals responsibility. You are responsible for your life, your choices and your future. It is your responsibility to take charge of your life, to embrace the unknown, the anxiety of the unknown and discover who you are. Soren Kierkegaard states “to venture in the highest sense is precisely to become conscious of oneself.”
A recent study of psychological well-being demonstrated that those with a higher degree of identity commitment had better long-term psychological well-being. Identity commitment is little more than finding out who you are and what you believe. While this may sound easy, in today’s world of social media influencers, an almost continuous news cycle, and the capacity to go online at any time and find all the information necessary to sustain your confirmation bias, it can be difficult to discover yourself. This is exactly why we must pursue our freedom, embrace our anxiety and push ahead despite a little suffering.
A strong identity commitment provides several benefits. First, we gain a sense of continuity and stability in the face of challenges. Life is easier when our feet are firmly planted in a solid foundation. This in turn produces a strong sense of self and greatly aids in finding your direction in life. Second, knowing who you are and what you believe promotes positive psychological adjustment, helping to promote a healthy sense of self-esteem and self-worth. Lastly, positive identity commitment promotes healthy social integration and positive relationships due to feeling more secure in who you are. When we know who we are, what we believe, when we are firmly planted, we experience less stress from challenging opinions, confrontations due to differences, new ideas or information and when meeting new people.
Identity commitment, finding yourself in today’s world can be challenging. Taking a position that’s contrary to the popular trend takes strength of character, determination and a commitment to your own health. Anyone can agree with popular opinions, take the path of least resistance, but the strong, and focused choose who they are and what they believe. “The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.” Friedrich Nietzsche
W. Williams, MBA, MS, ALC
